Archive for the 'emotions' Category

17
Jul
10

5 yrs wasted with 3 puffs

I quit smoking approximately 5 years ago. After I finished my undergraduate thesis, I woke up one morning and decided that I did not want to smoke anymore. Thus, began my journey to quitting. I did not have a rollercoaster quitting journey; instead, I did it slowly and meticulously. I cut down the number of cigarettes I had in a day until I eventually reached the point when I did not crave it anymore and my day continued its merry way without it. I never really hooray-ed or made a big deal about it because I did it for myself. I did not do it for anyone else.

Now, 5 years later, I have been going through a very emotional stage of my relationship, which sometimes feels like a negative emotion vortex leading to an abyss, that I have been tempted to smoke again. Since last week, I have been fighting it. I refused to buy a pack because knowing myself I would end up smoking the whole thing. I got a hold of a couple of sticks. It’s been sitting in the apartment for a week now. This morning, I really struggled with my emotions and I caved in. I don’t feel shame rather I felt disappointed in myself for not having enough will power and not providing myself with a coping mechanism to avoid this. I had 3 puffs. I could not bear finishing a stick. I just threw it out. *sigh*